Writing has been difficult this week with Matthew home. His temporary work assignment with the agency has concluded and if he’s not talking to me he’s talking to Peanut the dog which is just as distracting. But to be fair, he has been spending a lot of time upstairs on his computer playing games and I am just stressed having someone else in the house unemployed, as my depression lingers.
The freshie hasn’t been home this week as she the seventeen year old is rescuing her a nineteen year old girlfriend, who has rented an apartment with her boyfriend, who then, had run back home to mommy. It gives me a headache just thinking about it, although I remember what it means to be a friend.
Fred’s been busy, not that this is a financial gain for me, yet he has let go of his responsibility of doing the dishes, I guess he figures I’m home doing nothing, just because my employment search amounts to nothing, and my writing doesn’t have an income in its forecast, yet another nothing. My plans to attending an event in the city this evening was only an inconvenience to him, any benefit I might obtain would be nothing tangible, therefore, less than nothing. Yet, has he said a word… no, it’s just me, searching to feel, to be: something more than nothing.
So, what have I done this week: These past two days, instead of blogging or continuing my manuscript, I started the blanket I bought yarn for and planned to crochet, so I have something tangible, something soft, something warm, something to show that I have value. With its progression substantial, today, I was able to resume my writing.
As I started this new year with a $25 a week reduction to what I was receiving in my unemployment benefits and the $76 deduction in my bank account for my student loan payment, which I choose not to defer as I fear it would be seen as negative in my credit score, I’m feeling the crunch A crunch which is even a bit tighter after I opened my electric bill to find the delivery of the service to be more than the amount charged for usage, WTF!
I tried to engage others to join me in Brooklyn this evening for the event at New York City College of Technology and no one was able to attend, so, I’m throwing in the towel. The cost to commute down, the many hours traveling to a campus I’ve never been to, with a rapist on the loose in Brooklyn, with one headlight out on my car the part only arriving this morning, the news worthy pothole reported on the Brooklyn Queens Expressway, and to have no one to share the experience of the documentary with isn’t worth it. Missing the event, no one but me will be disappointed.
I am not up for the added expense, the risk of personal safety, the possibility of tickets or further damage to my vehicle, and an addition experience with loneliness, even when the event, Crooked Beauty: the uplifting story of the achievements of artist’s with mental illness, might have been the boost I need in my depressed state.
I have nine more events on my calendar, missing one does not mean missing all. The other events are in boroughs where I am comfortable. I need to remind myself, in my fragile state that missing one event does not mean I’ve given up; as not being called for the third and final job interview: does not make me a loser.
For information on tonight’s event: CUNY Events Calendar
I would love to hear comments or post your links to blog posts on this event.